What a Beautiful Feeling
by holly96
Summary: Logan can't stop reliving a day three years in the past.


Spoilers: None really, just that there are dangerous people around Neptune

Summary: Logan can't stop reliving a day three years in the past. Future fic.

Disclaimer: The characters aren't mine, obviously.

**A/N:** Set sometime late S2. Written for a Cheesy Love Song challenge awhile back. My song was "Crimson & Clover," by Tommy James & the Shondelles. My interpretation of the song is a little cracked.

* * *

Logan wakes with a start, the same terrible image that's been haunting him for three years now fresh in his mind. After all this time he can still see it so vividly: the dark crimson blood soaking into the lush bed of green clovers. The sheer amount of it exaggerated by time, splattered over the ground like some kind of macabre Jackson Pollack painting. He shakes his head and runs his hand over his face, trying to rid himself of the memory. He glances over and sighs at the sight of the empty space next to him in the bed. Closing his eyes again, he tries to think about something else, but before he can stop himself, he's reliving the nightmare.

_ooooooooooooooooo_

When the shot rang out that day Logan was waiting for her at the designated spot on the other side of the cemetery. His heart stopped when he heard it, and he froze for a split second before jerking into action. As he ran, zigzagging between the grave markers, he hoped and prayed that the sound had been something else, anything else. That he would find nothing, and when he returned to their meeting spot she'd be there waiting for him, a fiery glint in her eyes and a harsh reprimand for being late on her tongue. But he could feel it in his gut, something dark and foreboding.

He can't explain how he knew to go to the far corner of the cemetery, where tall oak trees cast dappled shadows over the ground. After all, the exact origin of the gun shot should have been impossible to pinpoint from that far away. But something led him straight there, and he felt her before he saw her. As he approached the spot where he knew she would be, he slowed to a walk, his heart pounding hard in his chest. It was eerily quiet, and that scared him. As he moved closer she came into view, sprawled inelegantly on the ground near the base of a tree. When he saw the blood soaking her t-shirt he could feel the bile rising in his throat, and had to take deep breaths to avoid vomiting. Her head was turned away from him and he couldn't see her face, couldn't see whether there was any life in her eyes.

"Please, God." He didn't realize he had spoken out loud until she turned her head toward him, her eyes searching. He let out a half sob and hurried the last few steps to her side, dropping to his knees on the ground next to her and reaching for her hand.

"Logan," she rasped, her eyes wide and filled with unshed tears. "I think ... I need ..."

"Veronica," he murmured when she trailed off. "Don't...don't try to talk. I'm gonna call for help. You're going to be okay, just stay with me."

By some small miracle he managed to stay calm as he explained to the 911 dispatcher what had happened and where they were, and it didn't occur to him to think twice about referring to Veronica as his girlfriend. He did as instructed, putting the phone on speaker and setting it down so both hands would be free. Trying to ignore the fast-growing pool of blood seeping into the ground and the color slowly draining from Veronica's face, Logan ripped his jacket off and bundled it up, pressing it firmly against her middle. There was nothing to do now but wait for help to arrive. He glanced over at Veronica and was struck by how beautiful she was, even amid the pain. He looked into her eyes, and thoughts of a future without her sprang to his mind unbidden. It occurred to him that the only thing in his life that he was sure of was loving Veronica Mars. And he wanted more than anything to get that opportunity, to be able to love her. All those months ago when they had spent a brief interlude together, there had been too many distractions to really concentrate on loving each other, being together. And as well as he knew Veronica already, there was still so much about her that was a beautiful mystery, and he was ready to spend a lifetime unraveling it. But now there she was, slowly slipping away from him, and there wasn't anything he could do about it.

The sound of approaching sirens suddenly jerked Logan out of his thoughts, and he looked up. He glanced around and realized that even if the paramedics headed the right direction, there was no way they would see him and Veronica until they were practically on top of them. He was going to have to leave her side in order to go flag them down.

"Veronica, I'm going to have to go out there and make sure they know where we are." He hated to leave her alone for even a second, but there was no way he could risk the paramedics wasting precious minutes looking for them. When he tried to unclasp his hand from hers, she stirred and wouldn't let go. Logan looked into her eyes and for the first time her fear seemed tangible and all too real.

"No, don't leave me," she whispered, "stay here."

"Veronica," he entreated, his voice catching, "I need to make sure they can find us. I'm not going far and I'll be right back."

She shook her head and squeezed his hand tighter, and Logan realized she was not in a rational state of mind. He reached up with his free hand and swept her hair back from her face, then leaned down and kissed her forehead, letting his lips linger there as he gently freed his hand from hers. He pulled back far enough to see her eyes and had to force himself not to turn away from the desperation he saw there.

"Veronica, I have to go, but I'll be back before you know it, I promise." He quickly kissed the corner of her mouth and pulled away before it became too hard.

She started crying brokenly, calling out his name, and Logan quickly turned and tried to block out the sound. He jogged away from her out of the grove of trees, tears running down his face, and he couldn't help but wonder if that would be the last time he saw her alive. Shaking the thought from his mind, he emerged from the trees into the open space of the cemetery and ran toward the main entrance. When he saw a paramedic headed his direction he stopped and waved his arms. Once he was sure he had been spotted, he turned and ran back to the trees, making certain the paramedic could see where he was going. He raced back to Veronica's side and dropped down next to her, relieved to see that she was still breathing, still had life in her. But she was fading, he could see it in her eyes. The light that had still been there just moments ago was slowly receding. A new wave of fear washed over him and the despair that had so far managed to stay just beneath the surface broke through.

"Veronica," he sobbed, "stay with me. Please, baby, stay with me."

"Logan," she whispered, her voice so small he barely heard her.

He leaned down and kissed every inch of her face, his tears mingling with hers. He was crying messily into her hair when he felt a hand on his shoulder, and a second later someone was grabbing his arm and roughly pulling him away from her. Logan found himself sprawled on the ground a few feet away as the paramedic knelt down next to her. It took every ounce of his strength to pull himself to his feet, and he stood numbly and watched as they worked on her and then carefully moved her to a stretcher. He was suddenly aware of the ambulance pulling up nearby, apparently having driven along the fence-line until it reached them. He followed behind as they carried Veronica toward the vehicle. Once they had her loaded in, Logan went to climb in behind her, but someone grabbed him and pulled him back.

"I'm sorry, you can't ride with her," Logan was told, "you'll have to meet us at the hospital."

He was incredulous. "What? No, I have to stay with her."

"I'm sorry, you can't."

He felt himself being pushed back, and saw the doors starting to be pulled closed.

"I love you, Veronica!" he called out, desperate for her to hear. And then her form disappeared from sight and the ambulance pulled away. Logan turned and looked back at the spot where he had sat with her, waiting, and he knew immediately that the image of her blood soaking the ground around where her body had been would stay with him forever.

_ooooooooooooooooo_

The front door slams and Logan opens his eyes, breaking out of the less-than-fond memories.

"Logan?" a voice calls out. "Are you home? I just had the best morning."

He rolls onto his side facing the wall, in no mood for cheerfulness. She comes into the room behind him, and he can feel her standing just inside the doorway, watching him.

"What are you doing still in bed, Lazybones?" Her tone is sweet and playful, and he wishes it wasn't.

He really does not want to talk about her morning or about why he's still in bed. She means well and it's probably selfish and irrational of him to shut her out, but sometimes he just needs to be left alone. He tries to breathe slowly and steadily, thinking that maybe if she thinks he's asleep she'll leave. Moments later the mattress dips and she's hovering over him. He wishes he could just roll over, pull her into his arms, and forget all of it. There must be a way to move past it, live in the present, but he can't seem to find it. There have been times over the years when he thought he was finally leaving it in the past where it belongs. Then the anniversary of that day nears and he's right back where he started. He tries to pretend he's fine, that he's happy, that he's not still hung up on what happened one day three years ago. And most of the time he's pretty sure it's working--that he's giving her everything she deserves, that all she sees is a man completely happy and devoted to a life with her. But there are times when he sees something in her eyes and he wonders if she can see through his facade to the pain that lurks always beneath the surface. Maybe she's just as good at hiding as he is.

She's not leaving, so he rolls over and glares up at her. "I'm not in a good mood right now, can we talk about your morning later?"

Her forehead creases and she frowns. "Logan, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," he denies quickly. "I just don't feel like talking."

She lies down on her side next to him, looking at him intently. "You know you can talk to me about anything, right?"

Not about this, he thinks. "There's nothing to talk about." Liar.

She sighs and closes her eyes, and when she opens them again it's obvious that something has changed. Her expression is still soft and her eyes are warm, but gone is the playfulness from before. In its place is a new-found determination. Her gaze is so knowing that he has to turn away. She scoots even closer to him, the line of her body pressed against his side. She reaches up and places a hand on his cheek, turning his head back toward her.

Her breath is warm on his skin when she speaks. "Logan, are you obsessing about my 'tragic death' again?"

Logan's eyes widen in surprise. Her tone indicates that she's suspected all along that he's been struggling with his memories of that day.

"You know, you're not as good at pretending as you think you are."

He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. "I'm sorry, Veronica. You deserve so much better. I'm not--"

Veronica quickly cuts him off, putting her hand over his mouth. "No, Logan. Don't apologize. I know it's been hard for you, and that by acting like everything was okay you thought you were protecting me."

"Why didn't you ever say anything?"

"I thought you needed time, that if I just gave you space you would eventually be able to move past it on your own." She stops and looks at him, her eyes shining, running a hand down the side of his face. "But I was wrong, Logan. I should have forced the issue a long time ago. I let you down, I'm sorry."

Logan laughed abruptly. "Now you're the one who should stop apologizing. This is not your fault. I mean, look at you. You're the one that nearly died and you let it go years ago. It's just me that's completely dysfunctional."

"Logan, there is a reason it was easier for me. And it's not because I have some highly developed coping powers, trust me. I barely remember anything about that day, there's not as much for me to dwell on. But you... I can only imagine what that must have been like for you, to find me like that, not knowing if I would make it, if you would ever see me again. I mean, I try to think about how I would have felt if it had been you instead of me, and...well, I stop trying. It hurts too much." She pauses to wipe away a tear that has slipped down her cheek, then smiles at him sadly. "So I'm not surprised that it's been a struggle for you. And I shouldn't have just ignored it, I should have been there to help you through it. I'm sorry."

The look on her face when she finishes is so regretful, so vulnerable, that Logan forgets himself for a minute and can only think about comforting her. He turns fully on his side and wraps his arms around her, pulling her tight against him. She buries her face in his neck, her escaping tears hot on his skin.

"Seriously, Veronica, stop it. You are in no way to blame for my emotional hang ups. I should have talked to you, or gotten help somewhere, but I didn't, okay?" He kisses her temple and traces lazy circles on her back, trying to calm her. "And don't say you weren't there, because you were. We may not have talked about things, but you were there. Every day. Just being with me and just being you, that helped, whether you see it or not. It did. Otherwise, I know things would be ten times worse."

Veronica sniffles and pulls back slightly to look at him. "Really?"

"Yes, really," he confirms, leaning forward to press his forehead to hers. "And besides, now that it's all out in the open, it doesn't matter. Let's just figure out where we go from here."

She nods and gets that determined glint back in her eye. "You're right. Neither of us handled things how we should have, but there's no point dwelling on it. We start over right now. And I'm going to begin with what I should have done a long time ago."

Logan looks at her curiously. "Okay, what's that?"

"I'm going to make you talk to me." She pauses and looks at him pointedly. "So talk, tell me what's going on in your head."

"You sure you really want to know? I mean, it's pretty messed up in here," he says, pointing to his temple. "Wouldn't want you to be dragged down with me."

She frowns and glares at him seriously. "Logan, stop stalling. We're going to get through this together, and we can't start if you won't talk to me."

He runs his hand over his face and takes a deep breath. "Okay, okay. Just...be patient, because I'm not sure it will make a whole lot of sense."

"Patience is my middle name," she says. At a raise of his eyebrows she relents. "Okay, maybe not, but in this case I've been patient for three years. So don't worry, I can be patient a little longer."

"Okay. Just give me a second." He wasn't even really sure where to start or how to explain what he felt. But he had to try. "It's hard to explain."

"Try."

"I..I can't seem to get the image of your blood on the ground out of my head. And then every time I think about that, I remember how I thought I had lost you, and it just hurts, so much. And I don't know how to make it stop hurting."

"But you didn't lose me," she says, clutching at his shoulders. "I'm right here."

He buries his face in her hair and chokes back the tears. "I know, I know. When I was sitting there next to you, watching you fade away from me, all I wanted was the chance to love you. And I got it. But I've been too paralyzed by the thought of losing you to really enjoy it, to love you like you deserve."

"Logan," she says, stroking his hair, "do you remember what I told you in the hospital?"

"I remember crying all over you," he mumbles against her, "kind of like I'm doing now."

Veronica presses on undeterred. "I told you that I loved you and that I knew we were supposed to be together and that we would be okay. Remember?"

Logan nods. "Yeah."

"I wasn't just saying that because I wanted it to be true."

He pulls back and looks at her in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"I felt it. There was something there, something telling me that we would be okay. It was real, Logan. And at that moment I knew."

"What do you mean, you knew?"

"I just knew. There was no doubt in my mind. It was a fact That we'd be together for a long, long time. We'd make it." She gazes back at him, her eyes searching his. "Do you trust me?"

Logan studies her carefully and sees the certainty in her eyes. He nods slowly. "I trust you."

A grin lights up her face and she leans forward suddenly and kisses him fervently. "Good. So now we can work on getting that image out of your head and really start living."

In a rush of emotion he pulls her to him, crushing her in his embrace. "I love you, so much."

"I love you, too," she murmurs against his chest.

With her there warm and solid against him and in the face of her unwavering faith in them, in their future, Logan feels like he can finally start letting go of the past and just love her. And what a beautiful feeling it is.

-Fin-


End file.
